Al-Sahaf Hired to Run Steeler Propaganda Consortium

Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammad Saeed Al-Sahaf has been appointed to the post of Information Minister of the newly formed Steeler Propaganda Consortium. 

The newly formed consortium is a joint venture by the Steelers; The GilDong Apologists Association (GAA); The GilDongites (a sect of the Mennoniteswhose pledge is"In Dong We Trust"); Steelers Digest; and a majority of reporters from the mainstream Pittsburgh media.  

Al-Sahaf held his first press conference yesterdayand before going into a staccato outburst of staunch assertionsAl-Sahaf noted"This alliance has been formed to inform the Steeler fansall of themthe truth on what goes on with the Pittsburgh Steelers.  We assure you that despite anything you might have seen yourselfeven with your own eyesit is not true.  The truth only comes from this allianceanything else is an imperialist lie." 

        (Al-Sahaf gives his first briefing from the Steeler conference room.)

According to a media releasethe Propaganda Consortium will enable such daft simpletons as Gerry DulacBob LabriolaTeresa VarleyRon CookJerry DiPaolaJohn Skawskiand Ed Bouchette to �channel and consolidate their untiring efforts� on behalf of the Steeler spin machine�thereby creating efficiencies and synergy in order to maximize the volume of propaganda issued to the public and the Steeler fan base�.  Instead of all of these spinmeisters writing separate drivel of outlandish praise and glad tidings about the Steelers and the Holy Trinity (CowherBettisand GilDong)they merely have to convey their thoughts to Al-Sahafwho will hold regular press conferences similar to the ones he so adroitly held during Operation Iraqi Freedom. 

(Click here to see video footage of the press conference�.)

Excerpts from Al-Sahaf's first briefing include the following:

- "Jason Gildon is a demonic terror on the football field�a monster that cannot be stopped�. in facthe is a force that has never been stopped."

- "Bill Cowher has never lost a playoff game to an inferior opponent.  It simply has never happened.  Bill Cowher is the greatest playoff coachever." 

- "Jason Gildon and Bill Cowher are just like my former boss�ruthlesscunningand unstoppable.  None of these 3 men have ever been stopped and they never will be."

- "Jason Gildong never turns his back on the man blocking him.  Never I tell you!"

- "Bill Cowher has never been out-coached.  He always has the enemy surroundedeven as we speak they are surrounded."

- "Jason Gildon covers receivers like a blanket.  My people believe that if Jason wanted to blanket the earthhe could do so in a matter of minutes."

- "There is no truth to the rumor that Jason Gildong is soft.  And Jason Gildon has never been bullied.  NeverI tell you."

-  "Jon Witman was one of the most feared blockers in the NFLever.   Opponents quivered when the sight of Jon Witman came at them."  

- "There is no such thing as a 'Wide Loop Rush'.  That does not exist.  We have never seen it.  No one has.  When Jason Gildon rushes the QBhe mauls the blocker and gets to the QB in a straight path within 2 seconds." 

- "Jason Gildong has put 17 opposing players in the hospital with his crushing hits."

-  "Jerome Bettis weighs 255 pounds and he isI assure youin the greatest shape of his life.   He has never weighed more than 255 and anyone who says he weighed moreis an imperialist liar."  

- "Offensive linemen tremble with fear when they have to face Jason Gildong.  Opposing linemen would prefer to face a Jihad than face the terror of Jason Gildon"

- "Mark Bruener is one of the greatest tight ends to ever play the game of football.  His skills are unmatched and without himwe as the Pittsburgh Steelers would be nothing and would have nothing."

- �Jason Gildon single-handedly has the opposing quarterback surrounded.  Even as we speakGildon has surrounded the QB.� 

- "Jason Gildon has the 'Big Bullrush'and this Bullrush cannot be stopped by any opponent.  We can safely say that nobody has ever stopped The Bullrush and we know it to be true that only Allah can stop The Bullrush." 

-   Referring to a large chart (see picturebelow)�."Jason Gildon has been the victim of unfair tactics by the enemy.  Notice how many opposing players are assigned to block Jason on each and every play.  There are 34even 5 men blocking Gildon on each and every play.  This is a capitalist conspiracy by tyrannical imperialist pigs and we ask the world to recognize this and help stop this oppression."

- "Jason Gildon drops back into coverage almost every down.  That is why some people think his play has dropped off.  In facthis play has not dropped offit got even better."

- �Jason Gildon makes opposing linemen weep in fear at the cruel fate they are about to receive.� 

- �Jerome Bettis is not fat.  The truth is that all the other players in the NFL are fatso it makes Da Bus look fat. I assure youhe is as fit and trim as any soldier of the elite Republican Guard.� 

- "There is no better tactical mind in football than Coach Billy Cowher.  I assure youhe is a genius.  He is a master tacticiansimilar to the generals I knew in the Iraqi Army.  There is no problem on the field that he cannot solve." 

- "There is no truth to the rumor that there are better LBs in the NFL than Jason Gildong.  Another imperialist lieI tell you." 

Al-Sahaf wrapped up his press conference with this final statement:  "In the spirit of the major media of Pittsburgh and othershall I saypom pom outletsour alliance will continue to provide you with the real truth on the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Anything else you reador anything you might see during a gameis pure lies and a mirageI tell you.  I can tell you that with strict confidence because I know it is the truth." 

(Still Mill and Stillers.com -- the only nationally read coverage on the Pittsburgh Stillers that has accurately predicted the how's and the why's of the past 3 Stiller playoff losses�.)